H.I.V.E.- Mark Walden

I was ready to dislike H.I.V.E., the debut novel from former video game programmer Mark Walden, from the start. It seemed a little too emblematic of everything I dislike about children's literature today: formulaic and designed solely to generate revenue through inevitable sequels indistinguishable from the first. Take a little Artemis Fowl, add a dash of the Mysterious Benedict Society, marinate with the everything is not what it seems school setting from Harry Potter, and viola! you have yourself a best seller. Over the course of the story, I was won over slightly, but I still had some reservations.

H.I.V.E., the Higher Institute for Villainous Education, is a training academy for evil geniuses. It accepts only the best and the brightest, and of course only those with the most potential for mayhem and criminal enterprise. It is situated on a remote volcano compound at an undisclosed location somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

The novel centers around Otto Malpense (really? Malpense? Literally "Bad Thoughts.") an orphan from London. Otto's known he was exceptional from an early age, and now, at the tender age of 13, he runs the orphanage where he lives by slightly bribing/blackmailing the director. Otto immediately sets about improving the dilapidated nature of the orphanage, but it's not out of any sense of responsibility and obligation. It's mainly so he can continue to do/exploit/manipulate whatever or whoever he wants whenever he wants. In fact, it's my main beef with the book. Despite his actions later in the book, Otto remains largely unlikable (brilliant and charismatic yes, but still largely unlikable.) Nevertheless, it's easy to see what H.I.V.E. sees in him.

The story begins with Otto regaining consciousness on a helicopter en route to the school. With him is Wng Fanchu as somewhat stereotypical Asian martial arts expert. They quickly ascertain what has happened (they were shot with stun guns and essentially kidnapped) and shortly thereafter they arrive at the school. There they meet the school's director, the nefarious Dr. Nero.

As the perspectives shift we also meet Raven, a beautiful assassin who rocks twin katanas AND an invisibility suit, as well as Professor Pike, a mad scientist type, Colonel Francisco, the instructor of tactical maneuvers, and stealth/reconnaissance instructor who inhabits the body of a cat due to a botched experiment, and H.I.V.E. Mind, a melancholy and surprisingly pliable artificial intelligence who runs H.I.V.E.'s day to day protocols. The reader also briefly meets the mysterious Number One (who has a particularly keen interest in Otto) who even Dr. Nero fears. Otto and Wing also meet other students: Shelby an American cat burglar extraordinaire, Shelby a Scottish computer and technology expert, Nigel Darkdoom, a legacy student hoping to live up to his late father's formidable legacy, and Franz, the German son of a candy magnate/Criminal Mastermind. Franz reminds me of the hilariously rotund German exchange student Uter on The Simpsons.

The students are forced to attend classes like Villainy Studies, Tactical Education, Practical Technology, Biotechnology, and Stealth and Evasion. Otto, used to having his own way and doing whatever he likes whenever he likes, immediately decides to work on an escape plan. Once again, he wants to escape, not because he is philosophically opposed to a school designed to train him in evil, but because he resents its intrusion upon his autonomy. Soon he convinces some of the other students to go along with him.

The rest of the story follows the escape attempt and, believe it or not, a giant mutant carnivorous plant. The action scenes are plentiful, but overall H.I.V.E. serves only as a gateway to its sequel The Overlord Protocol. There is very little resolution in the initial story. Instead of a self-contained narrative, the reader is left hanging and unsatisfied. What is Number 1's interest in Otto? How is Dr. Nero connected to Wing? What will happen to the students of H.I.V.E.? If you really do care, you can read The Overlord Protocol to find out, but I don't think I'll be joining you there.

H.I.V.E. website